There is a scene in the new movie “Iron Lady” which made me cry. When Sir Denis Thatcher asks Margaret Roberts, the daughter of a grocer to marry him, she tells him that she cannot be a typical wife who stays home washing tea cups. His immediate response was that her passion for a political life is exactly why he wanted to marry her. This unusual proposal took place in 1950 Britain, when few women were working, let alone in Parliament.
This historic partnership, which began when Margaret and Denis married in 1951, enabled Margaret to become a barrister and Britain’s first female Prime Minister. Throughout her political career, Denis remained fully supportive as both Lady Margaret’s husband and full-time father to their twins. The movie portrays Denis as a man well before his times, one who was comfortable being married to a strong, successful woman.
When my husband proposed to me 25 years later, my reaction was the same as Margaret’s. I wanted a partner who could accept me as I was, and support me for what I wanted to become. I had been raised in the ’60s to believe that women could pursue a career equal to that of a man. Inspired by the scientists in my family, I aspired to be a biologist who would discover a new food source to feed the world’s hungry. However, even in 1975 when Peter proposed, it was rare to find guys who would have been truly comfortable in the partnership I knew I needed in order to have a successful career.
Over the course of our 35 years together, Peter has supported my decision to become a lawyer and pursue a career involving long hours and international travel. When our 3 kids were young, he was the primary parent on call for school events and doctor appointments. There were many times when our reversal in family roles was difficult. My kids asked why I couldn’t stay home when their friends’ moms were home and driving them to after-school sports. In the early years of my career as a federal biologist, I was often told that training me was a “waste of time” as I was taking the place of a “breadwinner” and would ultimately leave once I had kids. (I ultimately left to go to law school.) When I agreed to move to the Middle East to establish an office for my law firm, several male law partners questioned my decision as they would never “let” their wives do such a thing.
I grew up in a time when girls were expected to become the “good wife.” Such a woman would work to put her husband through grad school, and then happily stay home to raise the kids and maintain the household. Her selfless efforts were rewarded by living a financially secure life with society’s approval. Mitt Romney’s wife, Ann, exemplifies this role as she has produced 5 educated sons and fully supports Mitt’s rise in business and politics over the course of their 42 year marriage.
For reasons I have written about in previous posts, this model simply did not resonate with me. For those women like me, who have felt like square pegs squeezing into round holes all their lives, there is good news. This week’s Bloomberg Businessweek feature article entitled “The Perfect Husband” (available to paid subscribers) profiles the growing number of househusbands who are raising kids to support their CEO wives. Seven of the 18 women who are currently CEOs of Fortune 500 companies have, or at some point had, a stay-at-home husband. Due in part to the recession, women now fill a majority of jobs in the U.S. (51.4% of managerial and professional positions) and 23% of wives earn more than their husbands (up from 4% in 1970). Millenial women, on average, make more money than their male counterparts in all but 3 of the largest cities in the US. These trends have resulted in more fathers taking a primary role in raising children.
According to Businessweek, men are now seeing what it has been like for women all these years. At-home dads are stigmatized as “kept men” who live in nice homes, caring for children all day and generally being unappreciated. However, it is this kind of support which has enabled women to rise to senior levels and shatter the glass ceiling.
This trend is exciting and likely to continue as society becomes more accepting of the rising number of supportive husbands. Ideally, we will continue to improve our family leave laws and business culture which will enable men and women to each have fulfilling careers without sacrificing their families. And the day may yet come when we will have a “First Gentleman” in the White House, such as Bill Clinton might have been had Hillary been elected our first female President. Should our country reach this momentous milestone, I will pay tribute to the many men who will have made that day possible, including my husband and Denis Thatcher, who have served as brave role models in this historic evolution.
Sounds like a “father’s day” article but I love it! In any regard, I think it is VERY COOL that men in general become more interested in raising kids and taking care of homes than before…
Well written as usual and I love did I say LOVE the picture of the two men in yr life. I also applaud Peter and all such forward thinkers but somehow I think Pete although equal to Denis in some ways is way cooler!!!
Excellent as always, Susan! Looking forward to seeing you and Peter soon!
I echo with “excellent.” Loved the substance, twist (I did not know about Sir Denis’s househusbandry), and photos — and the message best of all! Can I share your piece with my new Norwegian niece for her birthday today (same as FLOTUS) and our book group? So glad to know you AND Peter!
Love this post, Susan! After 20+ years working with Girls Incorporated, inspiring all girls to be strong, smart and bold, and trying to shift the paradigm, this is one trend I will continue to watch and hope that it grows.
This reminds me of when, regarding a lesbian marriage, I have been asked “Well, which “one” becomes the father (ie, the one who goes to work?). These stereotypes are, thankfully, fading. “PARENTS” take on the job of raising children, earning a living, being on the PTA, etc. How they divide those duties depends upon what works for them. If the Romney family’s method works for them, then terrific. If Peter and Susan’s method works for them, equally terrific. The wonderful difference is that now there is much more of a choice in the decision, as opposed to 40 years ago. (Susan and Peter were quite ahead of their time.” Great post!